I went on a road trip yesterday. I left early, when the sun was still on it’s upward journey, and like a dog I had my head out the window (I’d called shotgun) feeling the morning sunshine and bliss. I’ve always loved road trips because with the wind against my face, and my eyes on the sky, my brain always seems to go on overdrive.
Yesterday, I went on a road trip and I thought about you. I imagined a parallel universe where you and I had worked out. I imagined intertwined hands, selecting the best peaches and apricots from the bazaar sometime in the future. I imagined baking desert in the kitchen together, with flour on our faces and smiles in our eyes. I realised how the whole ‘Great Future Dream’ seemed shit without you in it, that the whole point of the ‘dream’ of our future was you, you, you. Just you. I thought about an alternate reality, where you and I were (as they say today) endgame. Where we had worked out.
Yesterday, I went on a road trip and it hurt to think. It hurt to think of “what could have been” and put it side by side with “what actually is” and see the harsh comparison and play Spot the Difference. The difference is the gaping hole in my heart, and the absence of a certain someone.
Yesterday, I went on a road trip and I let go. I accepted that my heart would never completely bounce back from all it has endured, but I suppose nobody does have a healthy heart in this world and scars and bandages are what make you normal. I accepted that I would never have you, and that’s okay, because I’d have someone else. Who wouldn’t be quite you, but he’d be enough.
Yesterday, I went on a road trip, and I healed.